Not that I wanted to admit it for a while , I was a nice bloke ; One of the nicest , I thought .
Infact I thought I loved everyone, and was even good at doing that.
Came as a big shock that lurking inside me was this thing... this nasty thing
I eventually realised it was Hate ; hate for another person
It helped that I had seen it in others .
It helped me come to terms with it that I had seen it in others.
It helped me come to terms with it that I had seen it in others and that their journey was through caring too
Which is all quite strange, because we tend to think in distinct categories and opposites ( good and evil ) ; That care and hate can't coexist . That progress and degradation can't both be political and personal realities
Was this hate really then me or him or something we were sharing ----no wonder it grows into a bushfire when its a "takes one to know one kind of fire" ; an unacknowledged evil in our midst
It helped SLIGHTLY that I had NOW seen hate and love in a bigger context than I had ever seen before
It helped that I had seen hate and love in a bigger context than I had seen before
It didn't help that I suddenly didn't know where I was , who I was and WORST how if possible ( cause hate is damningly real to our sense of worthiness ) to get outta there
It helped that I admitted to myself that I really hated this person. Confession is first base U know , but you don't know until you do it !
Gradually then I realised why I hated this person and why some other wonderful caring people hate people too --sometimes (I am not saying its all right . I am only talking about the hate that comes through caring and sharing . The sort that develops in a mother and she doesn't even know it .
What kind of hate ?
The hate that I experienced
- where my care for one child or dependant person would mean I would have to open the door to that person all my life .
Suddenly I realised why I hated that person
They were going to take away my life ----or a good chunk of it OR at least I thought so ( see later ).. The people I am talking about were violent young adults who scared just everyone they came across . Inside they were just scared kids looking for a home and coming back to me to find one.
It helped me come to terms with hate that I had seen it in others and at least knew why I hated that person - they have become dependant on me .( or so I thought ) I was a dry trunk and spring was not in sight . I could see no fruit and none ever likely .
I don't want to make my experience yours but to cut the story to a short story . Let me suggest that like me admitting to who I am and how inadequate I am ( with my own inadequate ability to give - ie my whole life ) I was drawn back to One who had given his whole life .
I still care for people and for individuals , I can only do it now ( as mothers in despair too only can ) though knowing my limits and because i have a ridiculous faith that says " leave it me and the angels son " You don't have to carry the burden . Each day is a new day with me and boy do I have some resources . I make it hard but then I have my reasons .One of them is like with this hate thing--- to remind you that none of my children are as clever and as capable on their own as they think they are . Sometimes that means that the only friend I am going to leave you with is me . I still want you to enjoy life . Live in the freedom of a daily walk with me .
I truly hope and pray you too will hava gooday
Make sure you have seen "The Cosby Show" - its too good not to see again and again until you absorb its comfort in all our big everyday needs
